the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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