forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize