my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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