I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
