this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
