if i can run in heels then i can drive
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
