Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize
