I wanna bring you to show and tell
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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