You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
third nipple confirmed
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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