I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
