In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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