Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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