I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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