we're chasing vodka with high fives
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
