i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
