Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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