I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
