How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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