Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
