I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
