If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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