I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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