She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize