i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
