you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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