I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
