i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize