I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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