New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
