I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
