I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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