You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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