If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
