If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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