Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Randomize