got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
