I wish my penis had an off switch
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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