I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
