i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
