The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
