Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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