She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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