The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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