My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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