im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
