I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
