Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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