I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Its about making memories worth repressing
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
