They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
