She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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