Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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