omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
