there's paper in my vomit.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize