so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
