woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
