I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
