I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
